There are five emotional habits that cause energy loss and that don’t serve you in moving forward. Note that they are HABITS, which means they are a part of your definition of SELF. During change you need all the energy you can muster, so if you can’t change these habits right away, it will be helpful to be more aware of them.
HABIT #1 Doing anything for anyone over the age of 18 that they should be doing for themselves. This behavior weakens the person you’re trying to help and makes you resentful. If you’re rescuing anyone over 18, you’re not helping them. Rather, you are trying to meet other unmet needs and it is time to meet those from other sources.
HABIT #2 Fixing other people. Like #1 above, this habit is a well-meaning one, a genuine effort to keep others safe. You have the answer to other people’s problems and if only they would listen, their lives would be better. Unfortunately, you create only resentment in both them, and in you: “after all you have done for them!” People don’t want to be told what to do. Your greatest gift would be to accept them the way they are. It’s not your path. Let them live their lives. Honestly, it’s more loving.
HABIT #3 Reacting to other people's bad behavior. Take nothing personally, it’s never about you. People run their own script and their own movie. Other people’s behaviors are not directed at you; they are acting the way they are acting because that is how they act. Stop being injured over the injustices that people do to you, because they are not doing it to you. They are just doing it.
When you can get this, you free up energy to help others learn how to behave in your presence, and what minimum standards you expect.
HABIT #4 Comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others, either in a positive or negative way, is doomed to fail. Instead, measure your growth as a percentage of change from the past to the present.“Am I a percentage better at this than I was last year? Six months ago? 20% better?” If so, your goals are being met. The only comparing to do is with your former self, and the only projection to do is to your future self.
Others will always have more or less than you have, because they are walking on a different path. Is the path better than yours? No, it’s just different. You label it as better. Comparing yourself is a low self-image activity, one that you no longer need. It is energy not well spent, because it doesn’t change where you are and move you toward where you want to be.
HABIT #5 Getting Impatient. You are wasting energy wishing/demanding people would do things differently, wishing they would get out of your way, wanting them to be different than they are. Will hitting the elevator button repeatedly and yelling “Hurry up!” bring the elevator any faster? Will fuming at the grocery store make the line go faster?
Impatience is a factor in Type A Behavior. The hostility that accompanies impatience can kill you by causing a huge sympathetic nervous system spike and depositing plaque in arteries. Choose where you spend energy. Discipline yourself to ‘let it go.’ When you’re tempted to hurry people up, take a big breath, and repeat this sentence: “Accept what I can’t change, change the things I can, let this go.”
Lack of patience can result from a belief that the world should not interfere with you. People should do things your way because you know better. If everyone did what they were supposed to do, the world would be a better place and you would be much happier.
When you can see that this thinking isn’t paying off, you’re half way there!
1 M. Friedman and R.H. Rosenman’s concept and measured by various assessments such as the Bortner Rating Scale Type, the Framingham Type A Scale, the Jenkins Activity Survey (JAS) and the Structured Interview (SI).
