IF YOU'RE GOING TO WORRY, DO IT EFFECTIVELY

You might not be able to stop worry completely, but you can get better at it :)

‘Worrying’ is expensive both in individual cost, and the cost of lost time and productivity. One recent study in which subjects were given random alerts to write down current thoughts showed that 47-55% were worrying. Worry is not a good strategy unless done correctly. 

Telling yourself to stop worrying makes it worse because of psychological reactance. Ordering yourself to do something can set up the opposite result. If you instruct yourself to “just not think about it”, your thinking will be invaded more. People remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks. The Zeigarnik Effect suggests that incomplete tasks, such as dismissing worry, will intrude until they are completed.

THREE STEPS:

1. When your worry shows up, don't get annoyed. Write it on a ‘worry pad’ that you keep nearby. Writing the worry down is the first step in helping to loosen its grip.

2. Get back to work, writing down the worry as often as you need.

3. Later, say on a 3:00 pm break, take your Worry Pad to a quiet corner and review all your worries. Worry about them as intently as you can.

Result? At some point you will be able to release what is on your Worry Pad because:

a) you’ll be able to see the futility of those worries and that will loosen their grasp on you, and 

b) because you are giving your worries 100% attention, you just might get to a solution. 

Either way, this is more efficient than letting worry drain your attention and energy. If you’re going to worry, might as well do it right.

BRAIN OVERLOAD? HOW TO FIGHT DECISION FATIGUE

If you’re feeling stuck, you’re not alone. Stress and uncertainty has resulted in a high level of decision fatigue, or difficulty making moves – both large and small. About third of adults (32%) said they struggle with basic decisions (APA Harris Poll, 2021). And the impact stretches from the day to-day and beyond; about 61%  are rethinking how they are living their lives. Decisions are more dfficult these days both at the micro- and the macro-level.

The brain can tolerate just so much before it goes into rest cycle. Understanding this, salespeople present customers with multiple decisions until the unsuspecting buyer goes on overload and acquiesces. Follow these tips to reduce decision fatigue:

1. Make important decisions earlier in the day before brain fatigue sets in.

2. Cut down on unimportant decisions. “What do you want for dinner? “Surprise me.” “What kind of pizza?” “You choose.” Don’t waste your Decision Quotient.

3. Give your brain a rest. Get into nature. Go for a run. Take a shower. Meditate. Stare at a blank wall. Sleep longer.

4. Think about cutting back, doing less. If your brain is telling you that you’re doing too much, you’re doing too much. It’s about doing important things, not just getting a lot done. If your brain is on overload, respect the feedback and cut out what you can.

MAKING CHANGE WORK: THREE MYTHS TO DROP RIGHT NOW

MYTH #1: People resist change.

By believing that ‘people resist change,’ you are more hesitant than need be when presenting changes. People don’t resist change; they try to avoid loss. Make the effort to outline pros and cons of the changes in such a way that it’s clear that there is a net gain in the end.

MYTH #2: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

By believing that older employees will have a challenge learning, you might inadvertently require less of them – or think you need to replace them with younger and better learners. In so doing, you lose valuable wisdom and experience that you sorely need. Humans can learn well at any age; there’s no limit to the age that humans can form completely new neuronal networks.

MYTH #3: Too much change will make people sick.

By believing that too much change will be overwhelming, you hesitate to present the full range of needed changes, or lose momentum by spacing changes out too much. The myth of ‘too much change’ developed from inaccurate and misleading earlier stress studies. There is no limit to the amount of change we can sustain. Chaotic, unpredictable and traumatic change can create issues, but it is possible to work to reduce those factors.

MAKING CHANGE WORK: 10 STEPS TO STOPPING WASTEFUL MEETINGS

When change creates a high level of anxiety, for example, when priorities are unclear and changes chaotic, one of the first places people hide for protection is in meetings. There is an inverse correlation between level of productive change and the number of wasteful meetings. Many in-person or virtual meetings give the appearance of work, but often are a busy way of wasting time where nothing of real value is accomplished.

In addition to unrooting the underlying causes of anxiety, begin work at reducing meeting waste. Here are 10 steps to follow:

1. Don’t hold or attend the meeting unless there’s no alternative. Attend only if you must. How will you add value to the meeting? What can you learn? Is there anyone who can take your place? What will happen if you don’t attend?

“Walk out of a meeting or drop off a call as soon as it is obvious you aren't adding value. It is not rude to leave, it is rude to make someone stay and waste their time.” Elon Musk, 2021

2.   Start and stop on time. Don’t wait for latecomers. Stop when the agenda or time runs out, whichever comes first.

3.   Everyone comes prepared, no excuses.

4.   Meet no longer than 60 mins. Best length is 30-45 mins. Stretch every 15 mins.

6.   Unless you are brainstorming, stick to a timed agenda.  Appoint a timer who keeps you on time and a tracker who keeps you on track.

7. Put off-track items into a ‘bin.’  Allow ten (10) minutes at the end of the meeting to deal with these.

8.   Don’t let meetings be interrupted.

9. Summarize at the end. Ask for feedback. Outline action items, responsible parties, and follow-up dates.

10. Send brief minutes within 24 hours. And follow up on action items!

Most important ….

Don’t be boring. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

STAY STANDING 14: Hitting Turbulence

A few years ago, my small plane and I were flying in clouds, when unexpected severe turbulence hit, and the aircraft became hard to control. We train for these moments.

If everything suddenly seems out of control, learn to respond as pilots do:

a. Learn how to calm yourself. Don’t waste energy on being upset. Easiest is to take a deep breath to 6, hold for 2 seconds and release to a count of 8. 

a. Slow down. Pull the throttle back and put your gear down. Maybe you’re trying to do too much, more than even possible. The pandemic’s message is to slow down and rethink what’s going on in your life. Maybe you shouldn’t be doing more, you should slow down and do less. Let go of what brings no reward or is no fun.

c. Do a shallow turn and get out. Why take a chance? You know there’s better air somewhere else. You’re never stuck with the choices you’ve made. You can revise any decision.

Aircraft are designed to handle turbulence. So are you.

THE POWER OF LETTING GO

On final during the 3rd landing of my first solo as a pilot, for no good reason I abruptly ‘go-around’ (power up, pitch up and try it again). On the next approach, I again ‘go around.’ By the fourth attempt, I wonder if I can just stay up, order in and see what happens. I brainstorm on where to go crash so my instructor won’t see. 

During those low moments, I hear my instructor’s voice: “Janet, takeoffs are optional but LANDINGS ARE MANDATORY!” I have to do this. To do this, I have to let go.

I see my white clenched fingers choking the control wheel. The plane is trimmed up and knows how to fly but I’m over-controlling. “LET GO!” I relax my grip, land and taxi off the runway. I don’t recall the landing but my instructor told me it was the best of the three. Trust, relax and go with it.

Let go.

When the path isn’t clear (like these days), our survival instinct urges us to hang on to anything, even though it might be wrong or harmful. 

1. What are you hanging onto? What are so sure of? Maybe it’s wrong. Conspiracy theories flourish when our critical thinking brain caves into our survival brain, which is hanging onto the wrong things. Let go of being sure. Listen to good science. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are brimming with bad science. Follow real evidence, not strong opinion. The knowledge base of strongly opinionated people is low. Don’t let them take you off track. 

2. “Clear away the wreckage of the past” means let go, rewrite, reframe. There is nothing you can do to change history. The way you were working before was amazing, but it wasn’t sustainable. It was best for that time, but this is a new time. 

3. Start from scratch and build your new path. Mike Dooley’s ‘The Matrix’ has helped many people do this: it works in business too. Detach from the red and yellow and even some blue (below). These were built in the past. Deep breath, let them go.

1. Like Covey’s “start with the end in mind” …. start in the green, with a list of what you want in your life … things that you alone control - like love, security, happiness and so on. 

2. From the green side, work right into the blue and list the kinds of qualities or activities that would feed the green list, and then work right into the yellow list of specific actions, projects, events that would feed the blue list. 

3. Do this exercise once a quarter to make sure you aren’t hanging on to anything in the red or yellow columns that doesn’t any longer support you.

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FEELING CAGED IN?

A 2-STEP GUIDE TO GETTING ALONG

When confined to small spaces, rats chew each others’ tails. Although we don’t chew tails when physically or psychologically confined, under stress we might be doing exactly the opposite of what we need. There’s a better way.

YOUR GUIDES

1. Ground Rules. Never interact without pre-agreed upon base rules!

• Speak for yourself. Don’t tell other people what’s wrong with them. Don’t start sentences with “you”. For example, “I think you are a selfish” does start with “I” but gets disqualified with the second part of the sentence.

• Use words when expressing disapproval. No sighs, slamming, silent stares, eye-rolls, or storming out.

• Instead of shutting off, call Time Out. “Need a 10 minute break, then meet you in the kitchen.”

• No below the belt. Don’t hit with personal attacks that hurt, like “You drink just like your mother did.”

• Keep it short and One at a Time. Most positive interactions occur when each person holds the stage for no more than 1-2 uninterrupted minutes.

2. Get Clear. Every good request has three parts: Describe the other person’s behavior, why it’s important (consequence of behavior) , and what is requested instead. Most people get into trouble when a. nothing is said and resentment builds b. vague wishes are given e.g. “we need to fix this” or “somebody has to clean up” or c. direct commands “You need to …” “you better …”

The 3-Step Formula  

1. Describe what other person is DOING: “When you leave your dirty socks on the floor … ”

2. State what happens as consequence: “I slip on them and fall … ”

3. Be clear about what you want: “So I would like you to put them in the hamper.”

If the relationship is rocky, expect defense; notice the reaction but don’t get sidetracked - just calmly repeat the request and try to get to a quid-pro-quo or other compromise. 

REMINDERS:

1. Need to be right. It can be a mine field if two people have strong needs to be right. ”Choose to be right or choose to be happy” doesn’t mean you give away your need to be heard or understood. Others are right, given their point of view. 

Agree ahead of time that when you get stuck in right-wrong, you both will go to a higher ‘third’ place of compromise. Because you are both right, you will meet both persons needs - for example, “your way this time, my way next time.“ If you’re stuck, try a reverse role play. Take the role of each other and in less than 2-3 minutes each, express the other person’s point of view.

2.  Delay is OK. If you’re upset but not sure if you need to say anything, wait 24 hours. If it still bothers you, fix it or forget it. Things don't get better on their own, they get worse.

3. Words and tone matter. Words are the sparks or the extinguisher to ignite or put out the fire. You’re not responsible for the gas, but you are for the spark. Don’t be snarky; at the very least be neutral. 

4. Whoever loses control, loses. If you let your emotions take over, call time and regroup. Note: Bullying removes real power. If you were confident, you wouldn’t need threatening behavior.

5. Stop powerless comments: “You make me mad” … “she bugs me” … “they drive me nuts” … These only give power to the other person and feed into your victim status. 

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